Establishing Boundaries

"Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord."

Colossians 3:20

God's commands for children to obey they parents in all things implies parents first are responsible to give clear guidance for their children to heed.  If parents are negligent to establish boundaries and take action when children delay or disobey, this blurs the line which should remain clear.  Delayed obedience is disobedience, and parents ought to correct such transgression immediately with disciplinary action.  Solomon wisely observed the knock-on effect of delayed discipline in Ecclesiastes 8:11:  "Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil."  Parents ought to set a boundary, explain the consequence for crossing that boundary, and then are responsible before God to take appropriate action to discipline their children, and praise them when they do well.

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."  Setting clear boundaries and keeping your word to enforce correction is important in training your children to listen to you.  Parents are wise to learn they primarily train their children by example, and a lot of training happens by the patterns parents allow to develop.  Today I was in the shops and a boy around 5 years of age was wailing to have his way:  "I want to buuuy it!"  I don't believe the boy had money, and I don't think he was actually going to buy anything:  he wanted Dad to buy something for him.  Though they initially left the area, they later returned to the aisle and the attitude of the boy was very different--bubbly and excited.  In simply influencing his father to return to the aisle, he had notched a critical victory.  As I walked by I heard the father trying to reason with his child, that he already had many such things.  This reasoning, of course, did not sway the insistent lad, for he had been already trained at an expert level that what Dad said did not matter because there they were, looking at the toys again.

Parents ought to set boundaries, and children will always push to see where the line begins and ends.  A line might figuratively be a mile wide, so it is good to keep it as thin as possible by taking action when the front of the line is crossed.  The lines drawn by parents can be crossed in seemingly innocuous ways--but when it is a matter of the will, that slight transgression is a big deal.  For instance, a parent should never need to repeat a directive to their children.  There are instances when a child does not physically hear, but it is more likely they heard and decided to ignore what they did not want to hear or agree with.  Then parents begin to repeat themselves.  But because there was no consequence for disobedience the first time, the child is trained (by their parents!) they do not have to listen; they are free to do as they please.  It then becomes anger expressed by a parent or shouting that becomes the new boundary to observe, and as kids grow older they will become less sensitive to this--and they will even reply in kind!  Parents can save themselves great exasperation and train their children to obey when they make clear boundaries, say it once, and uphold their own word with swift discipline.

Many behavioural problems in children can be improved when their parents take seriously their God-given role to train their children.  Growing in maturity takes time and effort, and God has given us the love we need by the Holy Spirit and the wisdom in His word to guide us as parents or children.  When kids grow up in a family, they are like the children of Israel after the exodus from Egypt who were called to submit to and heed the leadership of Moses.  A time would come when Moses would pass away and they would enter the promised land, and there is a time when our children will leave and establish their own families.  While they were in the wilderness however, God was their sovereign and Moses was their leader who made judgments concerning them according to God's wisdom.  Parents and children have a similar relationship even in our age of grace.  By the Law of Moses is the knowledge of sin, and boundaries set by parents provide freedom and safety for children to grow in character.