Grief and God's Grace

Grief is a complex process, and though we may never have closure with our loved ones we can experience comfort through closeness with God.  It is faith in the goodness, grace and mercy of God where we discover rest.  Paul blessed the LORD in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:  "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  The God of all comfort has chosen to suffer for our sakes out of love for us, and knowing Him we are sustained.

I've been reading Grieving a Suicide by Albert Y. Hsu and have been blessed with his insights, especially around the grieving process and the elusive feelings of closure:

"Suicides usually leave conversations unfinished, with many loose ends.  But ultimate closure is an unrealistic expectation.  We can close on a house, but we can't close on a person's life.  To put the past behind us and lock it up into a little box dishonors the memory of our loved one; it says that we are trying to pretend that this didn't happen.  No, instead we acknowledge what happened, and that it was tragic; we acknowledge that it has changed our lives forever.  We live on as changed people who look at life and death differently now.

Eventually we come to the point of realizing that though we may always grieve, we no longer do so continually or consciously.  In some ways grief will go on forever.  In other ways it does come to some end points.  After his wife's death, C. S. Lewis wrote A Grief Observed in a series of four notebooks.  He decided that he would not buy any new notebooks after the fourth one.  He said, "I thought I could describe a state, make a map of sorrow.  Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.  It needs not a map but a history, and if I don't stop writing that history at some quite arbitrary point, there's no reason why I should ever stop.  There is something new to be chronicled every day..."

Healing doesn't mean that we are ever completely "recovered."  We are never fully "healed."  The human body is never in a state of perfect health; it is constantly in flux, with some cells dying while others are growing.  Every day we experience minuscule injuries and abrasions, and if our bodies are healthy, they are always in the process of healing.  It is better to speak of experiencing healing as an ongoing process than to pretend we have been healed and have arrived at a final destination...We are never completely healed.  After all, we still carry the scars.  But grief that has done its work in us will help us experience God's grace more fully." (Hsu, Albert. Grieving a Suicide: a Loved Ones Search for Comfort, Answers and Hope. Inter-Varsity Press, 2017. pages 157-159.)

To all who have experienced grief and painful loss, may you also experience the comfort and hope found only in Jesus Christ who will never leave or forsake us.  God knows what it is like to lose what is most precious when He gave His only begotten Son for us on Calvary.  God has suffered for us in the person of Jesus Christ so we could receive comfort, and by faith we can cast our cares upon Him because He cares for us today and always.

Lift Your Eyes to Heaven

When king Nebuchadnezzar was troubled by a dream he had, the Hebrew Daniel was summoned to give the interpretation because the Spirit of the living God was in him.  In the dream a great and fruitful tree was cut down and all the beasts and birds which ate of its fruit were scattered.  The king recounted  what he heard in Daniel 4:15-17, "Nevertheless leave the stump and roots in the earth, bound with a band of iron and bronze, in the tender grass of the field. Let it be wet with the dew of heaven, and let him graze with the beasts On the grass of the earth. ¹⁶ Let his heart be changed from that of a man, let him be given the heart of a beast, and let seven times pass over him. ¹⁷ 'This decision is by the decree of the watchers, and the sentence by the word of the holy ones, in order that the living may know that the Most High rules in the kingdom of men, gives it to whomever He will, and sets over it the lowest of men.'"

After an hour passed, God revealed to Daniel the interpretation of the dream, and it troubled him.  The tree represented king Nebuchadnezzar, and it was he who would be removed from ruling for seven years.  But as the stump was left in the ground, so the king would be in seven years restored to his throne after he learned the Most High rules over all men.  Daniel urged the king in Daniel 4:27, "Therefore, O king, let my advice be acceptable to you; break off your sins by being righteous, and your iniquities by showing mercy to the poor. Perhaps there may be a lengthening of your prosperity."  What God had said would certainly come to pass, yet Daniel urged Nebuchadnezzar to humble himself before God and to cast away his sins and show mercy to the poor.  As months passed, the sobering reality of the message from God drifted from memory.

It was a year later when king Nebuchadnezzar strutted proudly in his palace built "by the might of my power and for the honour of his majesty" when the word of the LORD spoken through Daniel came to pass.  Daniel 4:31-32 reads, "While the word was still in the king's mouth, a voice fell from heaven: "King Nebuchadnezzar, to you it is spoken: the kingdom has departed from you! ³² And they shall drive you from men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field. They shall make you eat grass like oxen; and seven times shall pass over you, until you know that the Most High rules in the kingdom of men, and gives it to whomever He chooses."  The purpose of Nebuchadnezzar's reason and throne departing from him was repeated again:  to know the Most High rules and gives power to rule over those He chooses, and that Nebuchadnezzar was NOT most high.  For 7 years Nebuchadnezzar lived as a senseless, unkempt beast, a shocking physical depiction of the spiritual folly he displayed as he paraded proudly through his palace in Babylon in royal attire.

Daniel 4:34-35 shows the 7 years of divine exile accomplished God's good purposes in the words of Nebuchadnezzar: "And at the end of the time I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my understanding returned to me; and I blessed the Most High and praised and honoured Him who lives forever: for His dominion is an everlasting dominion, and His kingdom is from generation to generation. ³⁵ All the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing; He does according to His will in the army of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth. No one can restrain His hand or say to Him, "What have You done?"  The truth expressed by the dream and Daniel was finally understood by Nebuchadnezzar.  It is no surprise that lifting his eyes to heaven preceded Nebuchadnezzar's understanding returning to him since it is a gift of God.  He used his understanding to praise and honour God instead of himself and his kingdom which he also received by God's grace.

I find it fascinating and a bit tragic God-fearing people can be more entranced with the interpretation of dreams than to praise and honour God who gives understanding to all who look to Him.  The dream of Nebuchadnezzar revealed what Daniel already knew because he knew God.  Nebuchadnezzar grew in understanding of God by having his kingdom and reason stripped from him for a season, for in the end he lifted his eyes to God in heaven.  Seeking interpretations of dreams for divine guidance when God has already given us His word and wisdom is just as silly as Nebuchadnezzar taking pride in his kingdom as if it was his own doing.  Micah 6:8 reminds us, "He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?"  Sounds a lot like the advice Daniel gave to king Nebuchadnezzar.

I have one question to ask:  did the correct interpretation enable Nebuchadnezzar to learn the lesson or heed the advice given him?  Obviously not.  The understanding and ability to accomplish God's purposes come from Him alone, and we gain this by lifting our eyes to heaven in faith--not trying to interpret dreams.  Can God speak through dreams?  Sure, but what is the chaff to the wheat?  The only way we can discern the truth is according to God's wisdom revealed in His Word, so lift your eyes to God in humble praise and adoration as Daniel and Nebuchadnezzar did.

The Same Isn't Equal

I was reminded recently of a simple fact:  the same thing is not always equal.  Once I tried on a pair of pants that fit me well so I pull another pair of the same size off the rack.  Like many people I assumed another pair of pants of the same brand and size would fit exactly the same.  Being a rather idealistic and ignorant clothes shopper, I was shocked when they didn't!  This shouldn't have been a surprise, but it was.

How many times have you ordered the "same thing" at a restaurant and found your experience to be very different?  One cut of beef was tender and another time you were a bit disappointed because the same dish did not measure up to the previous one.  It was likely a different chef preparing the food and a different steak (for which we should be very glad), so of course it was different.  Two cars of the same year, make and model can be in very different condition after a few years because of how they were handled by their owners.  Not all brands of tools, paintbrushes, caulking guns and mousetraps perform the same.  The design, purpose and price may be identical, but the quality and durability are without comparison.

If we understand this concerning clothes, food, cars and tools, why is it some lump all churches or Christians together as being the same?  A person who has had a negative experience with one church or pastor can think all others must be the same and thus should be avoided.  Because one church of a particular denomination proved toxic, it would be illogical to conclude all others must be the same--when they are attended by totally different people!  Like a pre-owned vehicle, many miles have been traveled and the people in each church have needs as diverse as the injuries needing treatment by a medic on a field of battle or by doctors in a cancer ward.  Christians are in fellowship in a church precisely because we realise we are wretched sinners:  we need a Saviour!  We reconginse our need to grow, learn and desire to draw near to God in worship, obedience and service, to give and receive according to God's will.

An old saying relevant to this point says, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater."  I am reminded of the Little House on the Prairie book series and how Laura described how the water was drawn and heated so each family member could bathe one at a time, oldest to youngest.  By the time all had bathed the water was dirty and would be thrown out.  No father or mother who loves their little one would throw out their child along with the dirty bathwater, yet many professing Christians have done just that.  They have written off all churches of a particular group, not due to doctrinal issues, but because of personal offence or perceived ineffectiveness of preaching or ministry.

To write off church fellowship because of a bad experience is like saying "Mousetraps are useless" because the ones you bought caught no mice.  We recently had a mouse in our garage and the first two kinds of traps I bought were picked clean night after night.  I went online and bought traps of a different brand of a similar design and the results were immediate.  The vast difference of the effectiveness of mousetraps reminded me the same things aren't always equal.  I continued to buy different mousetraps because I needed to catch an elusive mouse, and I urge you to press on to be connected with a local church because you are part of the church.  Perhaps you are one who has abandoned all faith in Christ and left the church due to hurt and offence.  You might be one who is not interested to even visit a church because of the hateful or hypocritical Christians you have known.  My experience with churches and mousetraps bring me to a similar conclusion:  the same thing is not always equal.

So you've had a bad experience or been put off from church fellowship because of what others have said:  will you heed the exhortation of God's word in Hebrews 10:23-25:  "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, ²⁵ not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."  The assembling of Christians together is more than meeting up in one place:  it is the complete unity of heart and soul as one in joyful obedience and submission to Jesus Christ in faith.  Let us not allow anything to dim the glorious goodness of our Saviour, the Head of the Body the church.  Never justify disobedience to your Saviour to forsake fellowship because of the faults of sinners.

When We Go Wrong

When things go wrong, do you?  Life throws all sorts of things our way and none of them are without the LORD's knowledge--including our perception of them.  Our emotions can warp the impact of little inconveniences and lead to frustration that builds up without vent.  The only lasting and satisfying relief from the troubles of life is found by faith in our good God who loves us.

From appearances it looks like many Christians have their lives in order:  they seem generous, patient, kind and loving.  We imagine they must not struggle with the things we do like selfishness, greed, anxiety,  lust, frustration and violent temper.  The only way our lives can be decent and in order is because of the grace and goodness of God!  The LORD is showing me a focus on all that seems to be going wrong for me is fundamentally sinful focus on myself, which I ought to be repent of.

What is your response when things go wrong?  Do you tend to become angry?  I do.  Lashing out verbally or physically is not a healthy or godly outlet for anger, for what can it do but more harm?  Brooding over our failures or how others have wronged us is not wise because selfishness distorts our perspective away from the reality of God's grace and goodness.  Since God is not the cause of our temptation to sin James 1:19-21 says, "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; ²⁰ for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. ²¹ Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls."

If we imagine our circumstances are to blame for our sinful behaviour, the word of God reveals otherwise.  Instead of being angry over bad things that have happened, I ought to receive with meekness the word of God and lay aside "all filthiness and overflow of wickedness" that is produced within my flesh.  It is the trials and tribulations of life God sovereignly allows which provides an opportunity for brokenness for my sin and makes my need to grow in faith and grace in God evident to me.  We were already wrong before anything went wrong, and circumstances are an effective tool God uses to expose hidden areas of selfishness and pride we were blissfully unaware of.

Staying angry about what God has allowed, what others have done or our own failures will "not produce the righteousness of God" which is received only by faith in Christ.  James wrote to beloved brethren who needed to be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to wrath.  Being slow to wrath provides opportunity for us to seek the LORD and deal with our own personal issues and in meekness receive correction from the Holy Spirit.  God asked Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry?"  Jonah's anger was unjustified when God spared the people of Nineveh, for he ought to have rejoiced in God's grace and salvation he also needed.  While they repented in sackcloth, Jonah seethed with anger because he tried to justify himself.

When things go wrong, brothers and sisters, let us be those who are slow to wrath and lay aside our sin.  Remaining angry over what God has graciously allowed is like adopting a violent dog that was bred and trained to fight into a family with little children.  We cannot justify allowing the dangerous beast of wrath to live and breed in our hearts, minds and bodies, for it will only do harm.  The things big or small that provoke us to anger provide insights into how we need to change for good, and a step towards this happening is when we repent and meekly receive the word of God in faith and obedience.  I really needed to hear this, and I trust you do too.